So you've finally met some one that you would really like to talk to. All those hours spent looking at profiles on all of the different online dating sites, all of the "hook ups" from your friends, all the dates that ended before they started and all those nights of hitting up bars clubs and lounges trying to find love are finally over! You finally have some one that you want to share some time with and hope that things grow into more than just a casual acquaintance. I mean, after all, you're a decent guy right? You work, you pay bills, you dress fashionably, but still have those "guy clothes", t-shirts, jeans, sneakers, hooded sweatshirts. Your friends, even the female ones, think your a great person and it has all paid off!
You and your new romantic interest talk for hours each night. You can't put down the phone and during the day you send little text messages saying you're thinking about her. After a couple of good dates and some getting to know each other time, things seem to be going well. That is, until you notice it. That thing... That little annoyance that gets to you all the time. Then it's another and then another. And soon, you can't stand it anymore. All the things that irk you and make you want to pull your hair out have compounded into what is the last straw: dropping the chick like a bad habit... or to be more blunt, dropping her because of her bad habits!
The following are just some of the turnoffs that can lead you to go insane:
- Her inability to speak proper English.... We're not looking for a work of literary genius here, just some one that can form full intelligible sentences.... Full thoughts are always welcome here ladies...
- The way she smells #1... Girls are supposed to smell pretty.... Yes, we know you just came back from the gym and worked up a sweat.... now take your ass upstairs and give it a good scrubbing before you come lay on top of me.... Nasty
- The way she smells #2.... I don't mind giving you a foot rub after you worked 12 hours on your feet all day... I do mind you thinking it has to happen before you washed them.... Just cause your feet hurt doesn't mean I want my hands to smell like "Oh Shit!" or "Cot Damn!".... Go wash them!!!!
- Same clothes, 3 days in a row... Oh hell naw!!! Look, I know you stood over for the weekend and we barely left the house, but you could have packed a bag or something! How are you going to ask me to take you out for breakfast 2 days in a row and you still got on the same jeans, socks and draws! I don't care if you showered! Your womanly parts are covered in 2 day old undergarments!
- Always bringing up your ex.... I get it, you hate him and he's a worthless piece of human life .... Let's move on before I move on by my damn self!
- Making me watch "The Notebook"... Look, my estrogen level is set to zero... Non-Existent... It is 2011 and a rough economy. If that movie took place today, she would have stayed with the rich guy.
- Talking baby talk..... No, i don't wanna give u a kissy kissy or a smoochy and calling my "friend" by any cutesy name turns him weak, if u get my drift.... You're a grown woman, talk like it.... "Baby" is fine, so is "Sweety or Sweetheart" or even "Hun" and since I am latin "Pa or Papi".... No pumpkin, no hunny bunny, no shnookums... BLAH!
- Always talking about your male friend.... If he's a friend, thats fine... but you talk about him so much I thought you were dating him and I was the friend... Cut that shit out...
- Constantly texting when we are together.... I hate when my friends do it and I really hate when you do it... Drop a message and get the point across quickly so we can get back to "us" or I will text you goodbye while I walk out the door....
- Same goes for phone calls and Facebook.... I am with you for personal time, not social networking....
- And tweets....
- Going through my phone and personal belongings... If you see my phone on the dresser and it rings or I get a text, you have no right to answer it this early into the relationship.... When I give you the password to it is when you have that right... Until then, just shout out to me that its ringing.....
- Calling my mom "Mom".... She is not your mother.... If she was, this would be incest....
- Calling me the wrong name.... Yeah, I'm out....
- Ordering a salad for dinner.... THAT IS NOT A MEAL!
- Not attempting to cook for me.... you don't have to be Julia Childs in the kitchen and even if you can't cook, try... but if your idea of home cooking is Popeye's 10 piece for $10 with a box of Kraft Mac n Cheese, you're gonna be lonely a whole lot of nights....
- Thinking I always want to be around your friends... Look, here and there during these first few months we can chill with them.... But if you keep bringing me around them, chances are I'm gonna find interest in one.... And well, yea, she'll know not to bring me around her friends....
- And finally.... Getting too comfortable too soon... Its still early in this budding relationship... You have a responsibility to always look cute and sexy... You still have to hold in all bodily functions and should not show up to any date in sweats or torn jeans.... Look good damnit.... If I can go out of my way to look presentable, so should you....
Well ladies, I hope you get the point. Guys are just as superficial as you are and although we tell you how great things are going, once that breaking point is reached, We are gone faster than a one night stand....
Talk to you soon......
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