" Oh my God baby! That was freaking horrid! What the hell did you eat? A bag of jalapenos?!?!?!?! Aww man! My parents will be here any minute and you're over here rippin ass like you're bowels are trying to escape your insides!!! I can't believe the smell in here! I'd say light a match, but we'd probably spontaneously combust! All that funk from a girl your size! God help your intestines!"
That's right folks, girls do fart and poop. And in my experiences, it's not cute when they do.... I know, male chauvinist in the flesh, I get it. But let's be for real as unattractive as it is for men to pass gas, socially it is more acceptable than a woman just leaning over and hitting you with a SBD.... Silent, But Deadly..... At no point should a woman's bodily functions ever come out play... Keep those things locked inside along with all your other secrets...
Now, there are times when a woman just can't help it. I know especially when they are sick that it is almost impossible to control what their body does. So sometimes it is very understandable. But any other time, please hold your self in higher regard and lets put a cork in it.... Literally... I know its not healthy to "hold it in" but its not flattering to let it out. And in this world of image means everything, yours can certainly be ruined by a badly timed bout of flatulence.... I dated a girl that was kind enough to leave, not only the room when she was gonna let out her lunch, but the entire floor.... She would tell me she had to "speak to her mom", run upstairs to the second floor, lock herself in the bathroom and even once or twice showered after dropping the kids off at the pool. She was very considerate with her cheese slicing and I commend her for that...
Another young lady I dated had a tendency to tear ass while she slept..... And for the most part I probably wouldn't have noticed. That is, until the rumbles started to wake me up.... Spooning is definitely not the position to sleep in when you are dating some one with a loose caboose. After a few times I would spoon til she fell asleep then make my way over to the other side of the bed saying it was just too hot in the apartment and as much as I loved to hold her, it just made it hotter. Little did she know I was saving myself from her 3:30am biological alarm clock.....
One young lady I had he pleasure of dating used to announce that she was leaving the to "do God's work".... After a while, I realized she meant she needed to release toxic air... The problem was, she would go into the bathroom that didn't have a fan in it, so anyone that followed that act had to be up for the task... Many tried, all have failed....
The worst/best singular moment I have ever experienced was hanging out with a group of friends. My ex girl was leaning back in her chair... We were all in the midst of a very funny conversation when one of my buddy's girls, from laughing so hard, ripped a hole through her panties and jeans. The smell was so bad it made my then girlfriend's chair topple over... We never saw that girl again.... And rightfully so.... Nasty!
An ex of mine loved the same foods I did.... We would go out and eat all the time and I knew my stomach would grumble every once and a while, so I am sure her's was doing a little dance itself. Well one day, I felt the call of nature hit me.... Little did I know she heard the call before I did.... I walked into a barrage that was like getting jumped by 50 homeless men that haven't showered in 3 years.... Holy crap! Like, give a brother a heads up next time! really!!! I told her why didn't she warn me, and her response was "I didn't think it was that bad..." Really, you mean that's sub par for you? I would hate to see you when you are on your game! Needless to say, I would make sure to sit on the throne each time before the Queen took her rightful place...
Ladies, please understand, we know it is natures calling.... But, do like you do when we call you during your "I wanna be alone moments", hit the ignore button and wait til later to answer that call.... It would do the rest of us a world of good......
Talk to you soon......
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