The One Day Getaway

"Ahhhhh finally, peace and relaxation. At long last I can run my toes through the sand, catch some sun, have a couple of drinks with the little umbrellas in them and just lay back and rest. I hear the ocean waves rumbling gently towards the shore, the two extra huge pools are blue beyond belief and the in-pool bar is fully stacked. Wait, what was that? It's time to leave? But I literally just got here! Fine, let's go...." And folks that is basically how I spent my one day getaway.

I really wasn't going down to the Dominican Republic just for vacation. My youngest brother was getting married this past weekend and he and his wife decided to have a destination wedding. To this day  I don't know how we wound up in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic.... I mean, my family is Puerto Rican and her family is of the Caucasoid persuasion (fancy for White). But whatever the case, off to DR we go...

Now, I kind of waited a while to get my passport. I have never had one before because my travel experiences have pretty much been limited to Florida, Jersey and Yankee Stadium..... So when I found out that NY State had a new "Enhanced"' License, I was intrigued. Basically this license will allow you passage to our friends to the north, Canada and our amigos to the south, Mexico. It basically works as a passport, without the booklet and all the stamping. Its a license and passport in one. On the NY State website it says you can travel to 17 different Caribbean Islands that are not part of the USA.... Dominican Republic included. However, what it fails to say is, the method of travel that you can use the enhanced license has to be by boat. Flying requires the use of a regulr Passport.

The ticket agent at Newark International Airport damn near laughed at me when I gave her my license. She tried to explain to me that I needed a passport in order to fly. I explained to her that my license also acted as a passport. I started a mad dash search on my phone to find the phone number of the passport agency to find out what the deal was. They were the ones that explained to me the flying and going by boat difference. I spent the next half hour getting information on a possible flight out the next day because the passport agency told me I could get a passport in one day for a nominal fee. I went to a different ticket agent (the first one was still on floor holding her sides laughing at me). She found me a flight out of Philadelphia.

I called the Philadelphia Passport agency office to try and set an appointment because the one in NYC didn't have anything available until Feb 25th and walk-ins weren't always allowed. After pressing the button for the Philadelphia option and then "Next Available Appointment" the automated voice said, "Earliest available appointment is Friday February 18th." Yes!!!!!! I can get my passport and fly out from Philly and not be running between two cities in one day. I frantically make call after call to my friends in Philly trying to see who could help me out. One friend said if no one else could he would, but that he was very booked and didn't want me to feel as if he didn't' want to help. Finally my friend "E" called me back. I explained the whole story and all he said was. "Boi (thats a Philly term) you know I got you man. Come on down." A two hour train ride later I was in Philly. Of course, when in Philly, South Street is a must. E, myself and one other friend hung out on this unseasonably warm night, ate pizza and shared recent & past stories... I really do miss Philly.....

E was kind enough to lend me his car and on Friday the 18th I was off to the Passport Agency. After parking and passing through security, I was literally in and out of the office within 20 minutes. I was told I could pick my passport up at 12:30. I spent the next 3 hours at my old job visiting some old friends and doing some more reminiscing. After making one last trip to pick up my passport I was soon off to the Airport. After taking the train down I soon boarded my flight to Miami ( I had a layover that night and was to leave to Punta Cana the next morning).

My older brother and sis in law picked me up from the Miami International Airport and took me to a hotel room they had rented. I changed into some party clothes and we hit South Beach. And yes, I will be going back to South Beach. So warm at night, so sexy and just a real good time. However, they can keep the extra pushy restaurant hostess'. No, I don't want to eat at your restaurant, I don't care how fake your boobs are! FYI, there were a lot of extra fat chicks out this night..... I hope this isn't normal, but what do I know. After a quick bite at a burger joint, we hit an outdoor club and danced a bit and just had a good time. Miami, you had me at hello....

My flight to the Dominican Republic the next morning was actually fun. I wound up sitting between a married couple from Rochester, NY and I found out one of their Grandkids was attending my college. We spoke of everything from weather to life goals and so on. Very nice couple. I hope they had a good time......

As I tried to enter DR, I was told I needed a $10 ticket to enter the country. Unreal. Between a hurried passport, changing flight times, trains and food, I had already blown through quite a bit of money. Now I needed to pay to get into the country??? Are you serious??? With no ATM machine in sight, I have to go to the currency exchange window and they charged me $12 just to take out $40!!!! Not looking good for you here Dominican Republic. Is my entire trip going to be one scam after another? Don't try and bleed me dry. I'm not a sucker. After paying this "Entry"' Fee I was met by my bus and off we went to the Ocean Blue and Sands Resort. I checked in and off to my room I went. The time is 3:15 and the wedding was supposed to be at 5pm. So I thought I had a bit of time

I walk into my room and greet my mother who is putting oh her make up and she tells me we are late and were supposed to have met my brother at 3pm. I hurriedly shower as my mom ironed my clothes. I put my pants on and then go to put my shirt on. HOLY SHIT! THE SHIRT WAS A FREAKING CANOPY!  It seems little brother sent me the link for the Big & Tall section of the website and although the neck size was right, the rest of the short could have been too big a fit for an NFL lineman!!! I tucked that shirt in as much as possible and hoped to God they only photographed me from the front as I bunched up as much as I could into the back.

The ceremony was lovely. I even helped. Since the gentleman performing the ceremony said he wanted to do it all in Spanish, I translated the parts into English for the blushing bride to repeat. They kissed and began their life together. After a whole lot of pictures, we enjoyed cocktail hour outdoors and had a live trio playing for us. Their Latino-Caribbean versions of The Beetles was very well done and of course their renditions of many popular Latin songs were on point.  As cocktail hour ended, we walked to the building that was supposed to house our dinner. And we waited. And waited. And waited. Finally I got fed up and went to find out what was wrong. They told me that dinner was supposed to be at 7pm. So I asked why were we rushed through the rest of the days festivities only to be made to wait for dinner. Whatever. 7pm comes, we all enter the ball room. Now, I don't know about anyone else, but I was expecting music to be playing when we got there. Not so much. And  I wasn't the only one that noticed. My brother, the groom, got on the phone and started screaming at the top of his lungs to the party planner for her to get some one there to DJ like was agreed upon. About 10 minutes later we see some staff coming in with equipment and were about to sit back and relax when one of them pulls out an iPod. Nah! No way were they trying to DJ with an iPod. HOLY SHIT THEY ARE!!!! Now, you wanna see some one go ape shit?!?!?! Little brother got back on the phone with the wedding planner, who seemed to be paying more attention to a wedding she had down on the beach than to us. My other brother and I raced to get the groom's laptop out of his room, while he kicked the iPod DJ out and set the equipment up properly.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! LIVE FROM THE OCEAN BLUE & SANDS IN PUNTA CANA! I PRESENT TO YOU DJ OOOOOOOOZZZZZYYYYYYYMAAAAAANDDDIIIIIIIAAAAAS!!!!

Thats right folks, I just went from Best Man 1A to DJ and MC. And boy did I do my thing. No, I wasn't there scratching and mixing like Funk Master Flex on a Saturday night. But I did a damn good job on introducing the parents of the Bride, the mother of the Groom and the entire Bridal Party..... AND NOW! INTRODUCING, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!!!! THE NEEEEW ARMANDO AND JUSTINE ORITZ!!!!! And they danced. And we danced. And we boogied like only we can! Up to that point, other than me DJing, things were going off without a hitch. Then I noticed, dinner wasn't coming out fast enough. I looked around to see what was wrong and realized, HOLY SHIT (again) THERE'S ONLY 1 SERVER!!! 50 PEOPLE, 1 SERVER. Now catering rules usually say, 1 person for every 10-15 people. So I figure, 3 minimum could have done the job. But again, the wonderful people at Ocean Blue & Sands tried to be slick and stuck us with one server. So, again, I jumped in. I had to forgo my meal and made sure all the guests were served first. Basically, my one brother, our friend and myself were the last to eat, even though the wedding party is usually the first. The food was good, so I didn't want to complain too much and the server was really busting his ass. I just felt bad that they left him all by himself. After dinner we danced some more. We started things off with the electric slide. Then people really got going for the ChaCha slide. Some Cotton Eye Joe and soon the hits just kept on playing.

The whole time we are dancing and partying, I thought to myself.... 1 SERVER... 50 PEOPLE... HOW IS HE GOING TO SERVE THE CAKE?!?!?!?! Again, Ozymandias to the rescue!!!!! We made sure to get the photo ops out the way for the bride and groom as they sliced and served each other cake. The server and I removed the top layer of the cake and started to slice away!!! I got my other brother, my friend and my cousin lined up to start serving the cake. Now, I am pretty good with knives, you know I am Puerto Rican and all. However, I mangled this poor cake. It was so bad, the mom of the bride kicked me out and started handling things like a pro! She sliced that cake like a woman possessed! And perfect slices too!!! I bow to the master... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! After cake it was time to boogie again! A conga line started it off and that led into a Soul Train Line and that led to a party. We even had the server joining in on the conga and Soul Train lines! We ended the night with a slow song and you know what.... For all the bullshit and for disaster that it could have been, I had a great time. And I hope everyone else did as well!

NOW, here is some stuff that happened before I got there. They tried to tell people that were a part of our party that they overbooked That they were going to send them to another resort. Then why were the people that got there AFTER our party did, begin to get rooms?!?!?!?! OH NO! THEY FUCKED WITH THE WRONG ONES!!!! MY MOM SHUT SHIT DOWN! She went to the Front desk and screamed out that if out party didn't get rooms, no one was getting rooms! And she wouldn't let anyone advance on the line.... Finally a gentleman with some clout came out and got it all squared away. Room keys were handed out and apologies were extended. Later on many staff members told my mom how they always try to pull that stunt and one told her in Spanish "El que no grita no mama." Basically its a saying that plays off of babies that need feeding "The one that doesn't scream doesn't get a tit." My mom made sure all our guests got a tit.... figuratively of course.

Anyways, after the ceremony was all set and done, I went to the night club there. It was cool. Looked like a typical club in the city. But I got bored quick, so my cousin his wife and my mom & I walked down to the beach. Holy shit! I haven't been to the beach. It's pitch black, I fly out the next morning at 8am and I have yet to go to the beach. I look at my cousin and told him, I am going in.... He asked, "With your clothes on?" I said, "Nope, in my boxers!" And I stripped and raced into the water. And it was wonderful. It was not cold at all and the sand beneath was soft and I just enjoyed those minutes in there. After getting out I started to put my clothes on and said, hey wait, I haven't been in the pool yet either! So we raced to the pool and splashed around like 6 years olds! It was great!!! Why did I have to leave the next morning?!?!?!?!?!?! I wanted to staaaaaaay! Not because of the staff mind you. But because I have not been on vacation since I was 14. No real time to relax. No real destination. Just a "Stay-Cation." All I want is one trip for about a week where I can just relax in the sun and do nothing unless I want to do something.

We flew out the next day. First to Miami then to New York. My one day getaway was over. Maybe next time right???

BY THE WAY! STAY AWAY FROM THE OCEAN BLUE AND SANDS RESORT. UNPROFESSIONAL DOESN'T EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE THOSE CLASSLESS HICKS. THEY ARE RATED A 5-STAR RESORT.... THEY MUST HAVE BEEN GRADED ON THE CURVE....

Talk to you soon......